I just want to start off with a disclaimer: I don’t know what society needs to do about transgenderism. It’s a complex and fraught topic with plenty of important things being said on both sides. What I’m sharing here is just something that the whole argument has made me think of and, perhaps, it might be worth contemplating for others.
A bit about me: I like girls. I always have. For my entire life, the majority of my friends have been girls. I get along with them. I have a lot in common with them. I have a very feminine personality. I’m very agreeable and very compassionate, so in many ways, I look at the world the way girls do.
I hit puberty around 12 years old. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that puberty was very confusing and quite unpleasant. I didn’t handle it well. I became antisocial and got addicted to porn. And I hated myself for it. I hated how little control I had over my urges. And I set about punishing myself as much as I could.
All my classmates started dating and I told myself I didn’t deserve to be loved until I got myself under control. I even fantasized about castration just to free myself from the tyranny of my overwhelming testosterone. And I never got myself under control. So I graduated high school having never gone on a single date, completely convinced that I would die a virgin. And that I deserved to.
When I was going through all this, there was no such thing as “transgender.” I don’t mean it didn’t exist, only that I didn’t know it existed. When I think back on that period in my life and ponder the ideas that we are exposing younger and younger people to, I try to imagine how I would have handled such exposure.
As a very agreeable, compassionate person, if an adult who was a rainbow-flag-waving member of this club came into my life before I hit puberty, I may well have been convinced that I was “supposed to be a girl” just like all my friends were.
After puberty started, I would have been very tempted to reduce my testosterone and regain some control over my urges. Not to mention, once I started doing that, I would have belonged in the girl’s locker room, and, as a lesbian, I would have been very happy to belong there.
I’m not saying that I necessarily would have considered transitioning, but looking back, I can’t honestly say I’m sure I would not have. And that’s terrifying. I have grown into a very happy, straight, masculine man but it took a long time to reach that point.
Furthermore, when I was 15, I would have been very happy to be infertile. But by the time I hit 25, there was nothing in the world I wanted more than to be a father.
Confusion is normal. That’s one of the several reasons why traditional gender roles exist. When you find yourself stuck in the middle of the dark and unfamiliar forest of puberty, it helps a lot to have one clear direction and destination. And the last thing you want to be told when you’re lost and alone is “find your own way.” Boys need to be pushed into skills and discipline because boys who find their own way are going to pursue reckless fun. And girls need to be pushed to modesty and restraint because girls who find their own way are going to pursue validation from those reckless boys.
Human instincts serve us in many circumstances, but the rare power of the human being is the ability to recognize when those instincts lead to worse outcomes. And on the complex topic of sexual identity and belonging, particularly in and around puberty, instincts lead almost exclusively to worse outcomes.
