A few years ago, I was asked a question by someone I care very deeply about. Now, I think a lot. Some say I overthink. So I didn’t feel comfortable answering the question on the spot. I took it back home, thought about it, and wrote out my answer as a letter.
The question I was asked was, “What would you change about me if you could?” And in the case of this person, who I care very deeply about, there were a few things. And that is not an easy conversation to have.
So this is what I wrote:
I, like most humans, have two contradictory beliefs I hold about myself.
First, I am one person. All of my different attributes and characteristics are a part of me. When someone criticizes something about me, they are criticizing me.
Second, all of my different attributes and characteristics are independent. Some of them are going to change and evolve over time. Some are flaws, and when someone criticizes a flaw, they are not criticizing me.
So, to answer the question of what I would change about you, I need to answer both parts.
First, I love you. My love is not contingent on any particular attributes or characteristics. I will love you if you change. I will love you if you stay the same.
But do I have some advice? Yes.
Now, any good piece of advice comes with an implicit preamble and before I give you any, I want to make it absolutely explicit:
I have lived a different life than you. I’ve had different experiences than you. I’ve been influenced by different people than you. Therefore, my advice comes from a different perspective than yours.
Also, I don’t know everything about you. I don’t know everything that you’ve done or felt or experienced. I don’t know everything that you’re feeling or experiencing right now. It’s not easy for even you to really know yourself but it is your responsibility to listen to my advice and decide for yourself if it’s worth taking.
The advice I gave a few years ago isn’t the point that I’m here to make today. The point I’m here to make today is that I want to use this blog to share my thoughts and opinions with real people. And I want any real people who come across my thoughts and opinions to understand the context in which I share them.
