Did you ever realize that we are the only species that analyzes and comprehends what makes us feel? Each of those images was designed by a human being to illicit an emotional response from another human being.
Our species, Homo sapiens, is literally named after this ability that only we have, the ability to recognize the complex patterns by which the universe operates. And we can use this knowledge to overcome the many shortcomings of emotion and instinct.
Because emotions drive bad decisions. Rushing into an important task without preparing, staying with a romantic partner who is bringing you down, falling into substance abuse. These are all driven by emotion and instinct. And all preventable with logic and reason.
Let me back up for a second. I’m not advocating we become Vulcans. Emotions are the core of our beings. They are the foundation of our humanity. They are the source of our every value. Life itself would be completely meaningless without emotions. But logic is our most precious tool for the perpetuation of our emotional values.
For instance, let’s look at the value of self-preservation. If you use only emotion and instinct to pursue it, it won’t work out very well long term. Should you have a salad or ice cream for lunch? Your instincts tell you to go for the ice cream every time. Our taste buds are keyed into the short-term benefits of sugar. But because we are Homo sapiens, we understand nutrition, the long-term effects of the foods we eat. Even though we’ve never eaten ice cream for every meal, we understand that, if we did, we’d quickly become miserable and eventually become dead. So we don’t.
The problem is, you know the tortoise and the hare? Logic is the tortoise and emotion is the hare. When you’re in the heat of the moment and you need to make a decision, your emotions will be there instantly to tell you what to do. While logic is a mile back going, “I don’t know, maybe he’s right!” So for logic to win the race, you have to give it a head start with a technique I’ve always called “having no friends.” But recently, I’ve played with the idea of calling it something more new-agey like “meditation.”
But either way, the technique is to spend time defining and clarifying your values. Think about who you are and who you want to be, so that when the heat is on, and the hare is there telling you to eat the ice cream, the tortoise will be on your other shoulder (wow, these metaphors are getting confused) to tell you to go for the salad.
You get it though, right? Sit in a room by yourself in the morning and say, “I’m going to have salad for lunch. I know I’m going to want ice cream, but it’s important that I have the salad instead. There’s no good reason to have ice cream, there are a million good reasons to have salad. I’m having salad.” Then, moment of truth, eat the salad! Willpower! You know the right move, make it.
Now, ice cream versus salad is a very simplistic example, but there is a lot of nuance in our individual hierarchies of values which makes it particularly difficult to make some decisions logically. So we end up making some important decisions in the heat of the moment. Like sex! Sex is complicated. That’s why it’s so much easier to do it or chicken out, then deal with the respective consequences later. But if you’re actually going to make the decision, apply logic, there are so many things to think through.
Say you’ve got someone. She or he or other (whatever) ticks all the standard boxes. You know, attractive, within a reasonable age range, isn’t your cousin, filed written consent for your sexual advances with the proper authorities ahead of time, and so on.
First of all, do you believe in sex before marriage? Do you believe that it’s okay to have sex with someone that you do not intend to spend the rest of your life with?
Say that you do. Say that, according to the moral code that you choose to live by, having sex with this person is the right thing to do.
How’s your state of mind? Are you going into this from an emotionally healthy place? How well do you know her or him or other? What if they’ve been lying to you? What if they’re not as into you as you are into them? What if they are coming into it from an emotionally vulnerable place? Are you prepared to handle those possibilities?
Let’s say you are. Morals, check. Emotions, check. Now for the practical stuff: have you been recently checked for sexually transmitted diseases? What about her or him or other? Is it your intention to have a child with this person? If not, what precautions are you taking? How are you going to handle the 0.3% chance that the sex results in pregnancy anyway? Whether you’re pro life or pro choice, an unwanted pregnancy is a life changing experience.
I can make you two guarantees if you follow this framework. 1, you will be happier and less stressed long term. And 2, you will have way less sex. So… pros and cons.
It’s important to to use this incredible gift we have to think things through, to make better decisions for the long term. Don’t get lost thinking about tomorrow and forget to live today, but don’t get lost living today and forget to think about tomorrow.
